I guess I should update.... but I want to talk about a blog I have been reading: Gods and Ghosts, I like it, and it’s kind of hard to explain how, or why I like itI like it because as the link that I got it from stated; it’s a perspective from the unseen or atleast ignored of society. For me it is compelling, it is personal and I emphasise with her, some parts of her I still identify with... hard for someone who isn’t me to understand...

it has made me think a little more about how superficial my life is, and how lucky I am in life, how petty my little problems seem compared to hers; my worries about friends, and my slowly deteriorating relationship with my parents; here is a girl - a lady who has so little in her life and yet somehow it seems bigger than my own. I guess it reflects upon my own life highlights within me my own common feelings of guilt and feeling lost within my self, often.I still find it hard to put anything I feel or ideas I have into words - written or spoken; I can dictate to myself whole speeches of emotion, but when it comes to making the words something existent ; real they are no longer there, I cannot draw upon them, bring them out. Instead they either stay locked away in my mazed subconscious or come out in furious tears shed at 3am, triggered by something insubstantial - a memory or just a phrase, from my past, or occasionally my imagined future.I do not know what to say to friends reading this, I can only imagine the reactions, emotions and assumptions formed, but all I imagine is pitiful, more woe to add to my overflowing subconscious. it occurs to me that one remedy to it all is to actually sleep at night, rather then in the early morning hours that I do now, avoid my private haunted hour, but another voice inside my head speaks up, asks then what? - I would only then breakdown in the daylight; in front of others in front of those I care about (whether I know them or not). and if I did; somehow I would have failed; I do not 'bottle up' myself so to protect myself as to protect others from myself; only I know what I am capable of; what pain and hurt I can unleash when I truly 'let go'. I do not know exactly what would happen, I do not like to think... and now I debate with myself whether or not to publish this post, thinking again to what their reactions will be, but I still know that they would want to know; I have been begged to reveal my self to others, and still I don’t, I am uncertain, scared and scarred